Rona’s General Thoughts
Did I ever tell you, Mother, what happened back on the pirate ship? I know I pushed every thought about you, Father, and Yasin away to get over the time. It was easier to pretend I wasn’t really here, or someone else, than being myself. I never talked about it to someone else before. I try to forget it, but sometimes I wish there was someone who cared. Today… the way they looked at me, the way they treated me… those kind of eyes on me, I remember it like yesterday. Like I’m nothing but dirt. I could, or maybe I should, feel rage, the way I got spat on. But the truth is, it made me want to cry. I wish you were here and you could hold me in your arms. I hate longing, I can’t handle these feelings. I wanted to be strong for someone else and now I need… someone.
I know what comes now, a road without comfort. And I never asked for comfort since you died, but right now I could really fucking use it… I’m scared of what I am getting into. I have to mask it off, I can’t… I can’t be weak, not when I feel people pulling away… not when the depth of my pain is still in the shadows to everyone else. I don’t want to trust them in that way… they should never know. I don’t want pity. I am going to be the one that brings joy, that is what I am good for.
Renewing my damn pass in five days again means facing these guards again. I should prepare myself for that. I am inside a ring now I didn’t even ask to be in. What the fuck are Yasin and Father up to? What the hell happened to them while I was gone? Rebels? Them? I feel like I woke up in a nightmare again… and here I thought I could just spend my time watching a piece of Romeo and Juliet with my new family, to be happy and carefree and not alone anymore. But the truth is… I belong to the family I have, the nightmare of a family that has nothing comforting to give.
This is bigger than me, I can feel it. It’s so damn scary.
Rona’s Thoughts on the group
Kerrick
I think I have never been more thankful to have an old man around me, teaching me how to be more myself. I may look like I am, from the outside, but I have been putting up a mask for most of my time—enjoyable, approachable, and sweet when I need to be. But you… you are so charming and sweet, and it seems genuine. Who are you? Who in this world can have this calm and friendly energy after everything you might have already seen and been through? Always a gentleman, always helpful, always ready to stand on Tarvo’s side.
I want to know… what keeps your spirit so high? Is it all Gwendolyn? Is this what love can do to you? To see you care just a little for me… care if I eat or care if I am around… I feel like I am very privileged for that. Thank you, Kerrick.
Sariel
I was dumb for trying to disguise you, wasn’t I? I want to know what you think. If I’m too much, too pushy? Was I too much, too fast? I think having someone I feel this way for makes me this annoying being that doesn’t give enough space, because why else… why else did you… I expected too much. You have your own demons to deal with and I am being like this. I should not want to explode on you and tell you everything. Just once… I want to. I want to know what you feel and think. Please show me who you are.
We align, don’t we? You stand back and wait to see if I’m okay, you share space with me when I ask it of you. How fast did our world flip upside down when both our pasts came knocking, though you don’t know it yet. You deserve honesty, you haven’t given me anything less. You spend too much time in your life pretending to be someone you’re not, you said, and I won’t ever ask you to do such a thing. I will do what it takes to make sure you don’t need to ever do that. Not with me.
You promised me you would be okay, Sariel… that means more than wounds and health. It means you won’t isolate yourself too, right? You’re not Faust… you’re my pretty boy. If Tarvo wouldn’t have been there… I think I would’ve been too scared to talk, and it scares me how easily my family affairs can shake this up, this whatever we have. I was angry, and what irritated me more was you. You were… different. I didn’t know how to react. Please forgive me. I will do better.
Tarvo
My little brother never had the heart to be so open about his feelings, but you, my friend, you have all this love, like a golden tongue. Your words have more meaning, though they are fewer, than any words of those fancy little buttoned-up people in this world who talk so much but say so little. I wish I could appreciate them as much as you deserve it.
You asked me to protect Sariel, and I really want to, but I am not sure how much he wants that. I don’t know if I should be that close to him as I felt, as much as I want to. I feel like you would have helpful advice for me. I wish I could ask you openly what I should do. You would stick close to him, wouldn’t you? Even if he seems to need space? When does one give space, and when does one grab a wrist and not let go of it?
I want to braid your beautiful long hair and have a deep talk with you, my brother. But we really need to talk about your murderous thoughts—you can’t kill your way through life. And don’t come in when a girl isn’t decent, omg, you dork. Making me chuckle while I am crying, writing this.
Tarvo, I really want to believe in myself… I don’t know how. You might not understand everything I’ve been through, but you want me to stay strong. Can you help me, please, to stay strong?
Rona’s Thoughts on specific NPCs
Her name definitely wasn’t Billie, I just know it. But damn, she had so many pies… blueberry ones, cherry ones… matching pies. How silly. I’ve never been much of a pie person. I don’t actually know what I like.
I wonder how Tarvo feels. He seems inexperienced with things too.
I’m grateful for the person who gave me a temporary pass. At least I can spend five more days with the group before I eventually might get kicked out.